Photo by Neva Bruce - Steveston
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
- Rumi
This quote is important as I am learning a lesson I may never had without being wounded.
We learn things from all that surrounds us, not just the formal teachers. We are our experiences, in that what we take from our experiences shapes who we are. I believe everyone has suffered something. The past two and a half years, generally have been filled with suffering.
So here goes.... from the start.
Our son died in February 2014, my father-in-law in June, my own father in July 2015, my mother in December 2015, and in the midst I lost my job.
People ask me, "How are you doing?" I say, "It is hard."
In short, no appropriate words can describe the loss. I was lost. My vocabulary disappeared along with my energy, my desires, my will, my vitality. Vanished.
I am in the middle of a tsunami, tossed like a rag doll, freezing cold, I am drowning I can't breathe, sure I am going to die, and then I pop up like a cork, take a breath and am thrown right back into the depths of despair; a deep, dark and cold place alone with my thoughts and my grief.
Tossed back and forth with the flow and ebb, listless floating, mindless, waiting for the next wave.
Dumbfounded, displaced, and depressed through significant loss; a gash so deep there is forever a crevice, un-suturable, unsealable, having to heal from the inside out and now somehow just emerging with the recognition that my previous life lacked much I was not aware of.
This has been my journey.
Leaning into HEAL
My life was good; work, family, love, care, health, home, good food, friends, professional network, social support. No real needs. Interrupted by the unimaginable, followed by the roughest ride ever. Unbeknownst to me, eventually, I was forced to care. Not about others, about me. The work that I did while not "working" has been about recognizing my own needs. Taking care of me, setting boundaries, while not being much of a wife, or a mother, friend, companion or really anything else.
The healing began once I hit the bottom, paralyzed by grief, anxiety and depression, unable to eat, sleep, or really participate in life. I was forced to accept my situation and make a decision to move forward. Slower than a snail. Counsellor, psychiatry assessment, psychologist sessions, beginning to eat, walk, develop a routine, learning to breath, see people and talk, begin to socialize in small groups, meanwhile trying to hold the fragile porcelain broken pieces of myself together.
It is difficult to share ones "failure". I was raised with the concepts of; don't let anyone see you cry, never be angry, always look on the bright side. Often I was told, "No one wants to know about your problems. I when we share, we learn and this makes us human, normalizing our imperfections.
Life is a process, and I am working and breathing into the concept that I am perfectly imperfect!
Wow, I am truly sorry for your losses and all within about a year. Thats very tragic. I have lost both my parents and can appreciate how hard and depressing it can be. I was very young when I lost my father, and I was in my mid twenties when my mother passed. However, to loose a child, that is something I cannot even begin to imagine and the challenges you have been working through over the last couple years. I am glad to hear you are talking about it with therapy as well as being open with family, friends and now fellow HEALers. I found that to be one of the most important tools when I was working through my own personal grief and even to this day I find talking one of the most valuable tools. After everything you have been through, it seems as though you must be a very strong and naturally resilient person. Keep on focusing on healthy habits and spending time with others. And again, thanks for sharing this about you as hard as it would have been.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story.
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