"Blue Winter"  Painting acrylic on canvas by Neva Bruce


Seems Odd

Seems odd this feeling
shock like no other
who would have known this
could happen to us.

Seems odd this feeling
A longing that hurts
pain past expression
how long does this last

Language evades me
tears flow still ongoing
incapable of focus
so lost in the world

Seems odd this feeling
no wish, no desire
no hunger, no love
void of connection

Seems odd this feeling
lifting fog begins
live still existing
It happens to all
and
it all seems so odd

                         by Neva Bruce

Hand inked paper-made and photographed by Neva Bruce

      Stress leaves a feeling of additional heat, of increased heart beats, scattered thoughts, irritation and inefficiency. Art gives way to ease, calm, softness. De-stress.

      

      The feeling of panic, nausea that leads to confusion and inadequacy needs to be lessened in ones life. Stress can be useful, but not on an permananet basis. More research is speaking about the destruction of ongoing, unrelenting stress leading to "adrenal fatigue". Are we making ourselves sick? I would venture to say that with a lessening role in education of the arts and physicality/vitality, we are setting up our current and future generations for a life of inability? 

       The current focus on the physical body, going to the gym, working out, makes me visualize a gerbil on a wheel, rather than an overall health and wellness goal. The fashion and media message the "norm", when the norm that is portrayed is not normal or average. There is no average. However, this leaves many kids, and adults alike with a sense of failure. Stress leads to health issues. Anxiety is rising in our population and yet we continue on the same path. Valuing the left brain more demonstrated by curriculum, health care education and driven by society that values the intellect, concrete, quantitative measures.

       Years of nursing and seeing patients, clients, people, employees, adult, children or whatever the current pronoun used, has led me to believe we are all the same and all unique. As in the photo, the flowers are just flowers, but each unique as they are hand made. Some are more plain, less vibrant, subtle, dynamic, even "loud", but they are all made with Kozo, and they all have ink on them, mixed up with water to make them each original, even the ones that are attached to each other, as if in a family.

       So, we are unique. We are similar. We are individuals in a group. We are different colours, shapes and sizes, we are all made up of the same stuff. We need to take care of ourselves and each other.

      

       Art helps me take care of myself, destressing my fractured nerves after a busy day of conflicting priorities, ineffective policies, absent standardized processes, and institutional politics.

Have a moment and breathe, and do whatever "ART" you choose. I will today.

Cheers, N

       

Looking at Practice in a HEALing Fashion.

Practice makes....

Quilt Made and Photographed by Neva Bruce

             Question what is a craft.? Does crafting constitute a practice?. If so, does serial crafting constitute a practice? Learning to sew, bake, hook rugs, macrame, embroider,  knit, cook, and draw. Classes for  mosaic tile work, handmade paper, Japanese photo album making. Picking up the art of being a florist, quilting, photography, card making, nail design, pottery, and painting. Seems to be a life's work of practice. Realizing that these experiences supported my learning, my sanity and my survival. I never could manage crocheting, and basket weaving is still on the to do list.

Teddy Bear Sunflowers - photo by Neva Bruce

Handmade Poppies Card - Photo by Neva Bruce

Remembrance day - a time to remember and time to reflect. Take the time today. Breathe.

That is my goal for tomorrow morning.

HEALing reflection on caring from "the other"

Littman Stethoscope - a tool of the trade,
but not always essential to hear what is needed.

Picture credit to: https://www.google.ca/searchq=littmann+stethoscope +classic+ii&rlz=1C1CHFX_enCA563CA563&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved= 
0ahUKEwju7dDF-e3RAhVLx2MKHcekA-8Q_AUICCgB&biw=1540&bih=804#tbm
=isch&q=littmann+stethoscope+black+and+gold&imgrc=Q3AYrwNkQLgZAM%3A

So I find myself in the doctor’s office, I am waiting for her familiar, humming “Pum pum pum.” as she segues from her previous patient to me. I hear the creak of her chair as it turns, I visualize her swinging around and standing to stroll a few steps to enter through the door to the small sterile clinical room for my regular visit. She is my new doctor and I have only seen her a few times. She is well dressed, confident, professional, with a stethoscope draped around her neck. She looks at me, directly into my eyes and asks, "How are you doing?” 

I can only react with a shoulder shrug and tears spring into my eyes. She reaches forward and touches my leg with one hand and reaches with the other for a tissue and passes it to me. 

Through quiet sobs I respond, "I don't know.”  

She waits for me to say more. Seconds pass. She waits, to listen, to me.

I am silent. 

She continues, "I can only imagine. You have had a lot to deal with. I think you are not ready, no where near ready to go back to work. You need some time and it might be a longer time than you think.” 

She does not look away or busy herself with her computer; she holds her gaze on me. I look down and tears spill down into my lap. 

I say, "I don't know what to do.”

Softly she replies, "I do.” 

          So how did I know I was cared for? Physicians get paid for approximately a 10 minute visit. Time is  always short in health care. Patience is often short in health care. So in my weakest emotional state, my doctor ( the other ) took the time to wait for me to respond, was comfortable in the silence and my nonverbal response. She took the time to care enough to touch me and provide a small gesture of understanding with a tissue. She listened with her other senses, and heard my silent loss. She did not avert her gaze but held the moment and looked into the desperate eyes of a mother's grief. She "heard" through my inability, and ascertained what needs I had and was willing to support me through the darkest of despair. I knew she would help me. I knew she cared.

          Purely by another person taking notice, of my being recognized, and having my feelings and inability acknowledged gave me hope for help and possibility. Potential movement forward; one tiny step towards something beyond complete stasis and being locked, frozen in a dysfunctional existence, now with a promising beginning of at least a partial recovery and maybe some healing of the deepest wound one can sustain. 

HEALing self and sharing care

Painted by Neva Bruce

As I attended this past weekends class, I am happier to be more connected to more members of the HEAL cohort. As in this painting, it seems as if there are layers of learning. Some layers are a bit foggy or dark, some are definitely more clear, and I am starting to have some of them all blend a bit together. This is all good.

         I do find the scheduling of my life quite challenging, and am feeling a bit overwhelmed with the tasks at hand. I slipped out to my small space to have a few moments of quiet and peace and a short Tibetan singing bowl moment.  These moments somehow reset my anxiousness, my attitude, and allow me to reflect on a discussion that was challenging around workload, sharing, communication and overall success.

        Sorting out priorities and sharing the wealth of responsibilities among shifting role configurations. Life is complicated but not impossible. After all we are here for the duration, however long that is. Doing the best I can and tomorrow will be better than today for the difficulty passed.

        

         Care involved reassurances of my not so visible love and care today.
         Making me feel better for it. 

To Rest, To Relax, To HEAL

Afternoon Sun - Photo by Neva Bruce

A sunny day just after lunch and I get in the passenger side of the car and say, "So where are we headed?"
She says, "Up island to my art studio." We chat along the way as to what each of us have been doing since the last time we were together. Eventually we arrive in Qualicum and I help her carry boxes, canvases, and cases of art supplies into this small art studio and gift shop. I follow her all the way through to the back around various hallways; left, then right, then left again, through the door and into a private space with two long empty tables, and three steel chairs. There are several paintings, by various artists lining the walls. As I wonder along viewing the art displayed, I notice her pulling canvases out and setting out two sets of brushes.
I question, "What are you doing?"
She says, " I am setting you up to paint." as she squishes cerulean blue, cad red, cad yellow and others colours from slightly mangled metallic tubes,laying the selected brushes on top of a 12" x 18" plain white canvas.
" I don't paint!"I state emphatically.
She says, "Everybody can paint."
I retort, "Not me! I nearly failed art in grade seven. My teacher told me I would never draw or do anything artistic!"
She says kindly, "Don't worry, there is no test. Just pic any picture from your phone and start. It doesn't matter, just start."

               From that experience I learned that our past does not have to determine our future, that anyone can paint with support and no judgment. Art does not have to be anything; not a certain colour or texture or line. My art is mine and mine alone. It is for me. I have spent the last two years in self discovery of art and have found its therapeutic value in promoting rest, relaxation and healing.
               Within the HEAL mandate to find a practice, I find myself trying to define one and then initiate and maintain said practice. I have found this challenging. Maybe because my focus is broad and multifaceted, but I find my self judging, chastising and regretting, which leads to "falling off the wagon". So, I have been thinking a lot about self care, redefining and becoming more forgiving towards myself.
              My practice plan of self care is divergent but primarily focused on my physical health. I was thinking this needs to include rest and often rest means sleep, but it has become more than sleep. Rest has become a break for myself; not just a physical break, but a mental one as well.
               Of course self care includes personal care, hygiene, bathing, oral care, eating, sleeping, posture, exercise, general checkups on personal health issues, even our interactions with others. Self care includes protection and maintenance of the physical self, but also of ones' mental health.
               If I am to have self care, I need to have some space and time that I alone have control over, where I can sit quietly uninterrupted, have a shower without rushing, and not feeling any pressure to meet others needs, to truly spend time with myself. To do this and take care of myself, I have to understand, develop and maintain boundaries. I am reflecting on what my life has been, and is becoming. This is an interesting process.


Merriam - Webster definitions include
Rest as
1 : repose, sleep specifically a bodily state characterized by minimal functional and metabolic activities
2 : freedom from activity or labour, a state of motionlessnes or inactivity, the repose of death
3 : a place for resting or lodging
4 : peace of mind or spirit
5 : a rhythmic silence in music, a character representing such a silence, a brief pause in reading
6 : something used for support

Relax as
1 : to become or to cause something to become less tight tense or stiff
2 : to stop feeling nervous or worried
3: to spend time resting or doing something enjoyable especially after you have been doing work

Heal as
To become healthy or well again.

Tibetan singing bowl - Photo by Neva Bruce

Sometimes, I just need to clear my head and using my Tibetan singing bowl really helps. Taking the time to go to my studio, spend a few minutes to calm my mind and de-stress, concentrating only on the technique used to produce the sound, listening to the undulations of pitch is very grounding. Intent on the sound as it fades.

A moment of self care. A pause. A moment to reflect, Breathe.

HEALing wounds

Photo by Neva Bruce - Steveston

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”

- Rumi

This quote is important as I am learning a lesson I may never had without being wounded.

We learn things from all that surrounds us, not just the formal teachers. We are our experiences, in that what we take from our experiences shapes who we are. I believe everyone has suffered something. The past two and a half years, generally have been filled with suffering.

So here goes.... from the start.

Our son died in February 2014, my father-in-law in June, my own father in July 2015, my mother in December 2015, and in the midst I lost my job.

People ask me, "How are you doing?" I say, "It is hard."

In short, no appropriate words can describe the loss. I was lost.  My vocabulary disappeared along with my energy, my desires, my will, my vitality. Vanished. 

I am in the middle of a tsunami, tossed like a rag doll, freezing cold, I am drowning I can't breathe, sure I am going to die, and then I pop up like a cork, take a breath and am thrown right back into the depths of despair; a deep, dark and cold place alone with my thoughts and my grief. 

Tossed back and forth with the flow and ebb, listless floating, mindless, waiting for the next wave.

Dumbfounded, displaced, and depressed through significant loss; a gash so deep there is forever a crevice, un-suturable, unsealable, having to heal from the inside out and now somehow just emerging with the recognition that my previous life lacked much I was not aware of. 

This has been my journey.

Leaning into HEAL

My life was good; work, family, love, care, health, home, good food, friends, professional network, social support. No real needs. Interrupted by the unimaginable, followed by the roughest ride ever. Unbeknownst to me, eventually, I was forced to care. Not about others, about me. The work that I did while not "working" has been about recognizing my own needs. Taking care of me, setting boundaries, while not being much of a wife, or a mother, friend, companion or really anything else.

The healing began once I hit the bottom, paralyzed by grief, anxiety and depression, unable to eat, sleep, or really participate in life. I was forced to accept my situation and make a decision to move forward. Slower than a snail. Counsellor, psychiatry assessment, psychologist sessions, beginning to eat, walk, develop a routine, learning to breath, see people and talk, begin to socialize in small groups, meanwhile trying to hold the fragile porcelain broken pieces of myself together. 

It is difficult to share ones "failure". I was raised with the concepts of; don't let anyone see you cry, never be angry, always look on the bright side. Often I was told, "No one wants to know about your problems. I when we share, we learn and this makes us human, normalizing our imperfections. 

Life is a process, and I am working and breathing into the concept that I am perfectly imperfect!

Money and happiness in HEALing us all

"Frolicking Tartan" Painting by Neva Bruce


So scouring the net for things of interest to narrow focus, sometimes is     counterproductive, however in light of a few conversations in our HEAL groups.

              Want to be happy.. check out this TED talk.  

                 https://www.ted.com/talks/michael_norton_how_to_buy_happiness?language=en

Breathing is HEALing

Screen shot of Yellowpoint video by Neva Bruce

I have thought a lot about practices for health. What should I take up?

In the past almost three years my life has been turned upside down like I never thought possible. During this time I have had to remember to breathe. Breathing is natural, of course I was breathing, I am still here. What is interesting, is that I was not aware of my breathing, or more importantly when I was not breathing. We hold our breath when we are scared, when we are excited, and when we are trying not to cry.

Back ground life lesson - I learned to behave as a child. Not too loud, not to busy, not too rambunctious,not too quiet, and definitely not angry or sad or teary. That is not becoming.

Enter new life lesson.

A wonderful person shared with me this past year that if we don't breathe when we cry, our brains cannot process grief. The right brain and the left brain need to communicate and they need to do this through breathing. What basis this has in proven research, I have no idea, but I have learned to breathe and this has been helpful. 

The picture above is from a video that I took while on holiday in February of this year. It is a reminder of incoming and outgoing breath. So between, caring for my skin and my feet with coconut oil, having an occasional massage, acupuncture, physiotherapy and various other health supportive treatments, I am going to focus on my breathing.

This video is my five minute reminder to sit calmly and breath with the image of the tide, the sound of the surf, and focus on my breathing, letting go of the stresses in life with each breath. 

Breath is all we have.

Peeking through to HEALing

                                          Photo by Neva Bruce Lethbridge Alberta


I feel that often we as a society only see glimpses of others lives.
           Looking deeper through Raphael's text at the social determinants of health and viewing updates and the ongoing research seems a bit disheartening. We don't seem to be much further "up the beach" as it were and in fact maybe further down.
           I had some exposure to the social determinants of health a few years ago when the CNA (Canadian Nurses Association) provided a comprehensive report providing a springboard to inform and call nurses to action; for nurses to get involved with politics and pressuring policy makers in various positions to look at changing policies based on research. It is difficult for many to commit to such a seemingly overwhelming task. And still here we are, same story.
          More time to digest the inequities of income, the effects of job insecurity, intensification of work, globalization, and a worsening work life balance.
          Now to think of ways to destress, maintain my own equilibrium as I re-enter my profession after being away for over two years. Unfortunately I see more stress put on people with "do more with less" philosophy, taking health care into more of a business model, with quantitative measurements, LEAN processes and moving away from the caring side of health. We continue to be reactive, occasionally responsive and seldom look at the root cause of the current health issue presented.
           thinking...thinking... thinking....

My Brain Week One

Painting by Neva Bruce

My brain Week #1

So it pays to read all of the instructions.... All about me.

A short biography. 

Blue eyed, blonde
Born at 6lbs 15oz in the fall on the prairies into a family of five. 

Fast forward to now.

Blue eyed -no contactsNot so blonde (gray with highlights and low lights to be honest)

Married, son and two dogs (training one to be a service dog)

Residing in BC since 1986

I am a Registered Nurse with many years of experience in health care, working in both public and private institutions; across the health care continuum from acute care, critical care, occupational health and wellness, through to home health. The most significant roles include wife, mother, sister, aunt, friend and colleague. I have served in the community on various boards and ad hoc committees, involved in RACA (Richmond Arenas Community Association), RAM (Richmond Association for Montessori), PAC (Parent Advisory Council), and as a parent advisor on a school closure committee in School District #38.  All forms of art, including music, painting, pottery and dance, as well as skiing and cooking for dinner parties are part of my time well spent. I am passionate about nursing, ethical care, health literacy for patients, clients and adolescents and have lots of time for seniors and dogs. 

Why HEAL?

I have been a life long learner, with a keen eye, and a kinesthetic sense, I have learned much in my life thus far. I grew up when there were no organized sports, except figure skating. We were out running, playing ball, catch, street hockey, and hide and seek. Dinner was on when my sister whistled for us from blocks away. As an adolescent I skated and skiied and took Karate; even got my yellow belt and then nursing got in the way with shift work, dismantling my routine. Through, work experience, relationships, becoming a parent, life lessons and suffering significant loss in my life, HEAL seemed a good fit. Further to that, my previous professional role was focused on health literacy; sourcing and providing health information and self management strategies in a manner that is accessible and understandable. With a large number of immigrants in Richmond, we have ongoing challenges in educating our community members. HEAL (Health Education and Active Living) was of interest to me as I want to expand my knowledge base and utilize the formalized curriculum for the population that I serve. In my experience, learning has a way of leeching into all facets of our own life and I'm looking forward to the journey.

Mind Body and Health

My understanding and belief around the Mind body connection and physical health is that they are integral and inseparable. When I reflect on this, I think about Olympic athletes and how they train; just as hard psychologically as they do physically. They develop mental toughness and perseverance as well as physical stamina and strength. So many people that I have known and cared for have survived longer than expected and have managed seemingly insurmountable physical trauma and illness in part due to their ability to utilize their mind to transform their life and improve their health.

"The idea that our minds and emotions play a critical role in our health - a fundamental premise in integrative medicine-is far from new. Many ancient healing systems emphasize the interconnection between mind and body in healing, including Hippocrates, the father of Western medicine, who taught that good health depends on a balance of mind body and environment."

http://www.bravewell.org/integrative_medicine/philosophical_foundation/mind_and_body_connection/

To Give and to Gain 

My hope is that my years of work and life experience will assist the cohort with a varied perspective, as much as I will garner from them. Retraining my brain and my ability to relearn in a positive way, increasing my neuroplasticity, and committing to doing something for myself are some of the goals within HEAL for me.

. 

HEALing begins.

                                           Painting by Neva Bruce

               So, we have arrived and survived the weekend of the first of our Masters Program. Whew.
My perceptions were as above. Challenging, muddling in the dark and in the rain, unsure of what to expect. Reading the shortened version of some of the assigned works has awakened many questions, topics of interest and calls into question our assumptions and our experience.

               We are so fortunate to have been accepted into this program and to get the opportunity to work with such a diverse awesome group of peers and accomplished professors to further our learning, to challenge our knowledge, to improve our skill sets and eventually get us a formal piece of paper that acknowledges to the world we have completed a marathon of study.

              I am interested in Health literacy, people and their support systems, challenging the norms and improving my writing, and garnering more information to arm myself to increase my own well being and the well being of others.